The Corporate Detox Pt. 2

The dreams no longer visit nightly. They now come every other day or so but still follow the same pattern: I’ve continued working at my old company these past 10 months, but in secret until someone discovers me and I realize that I’m not supposed to be there. These dreams are the next generation of the “waiting tables and in the weeds” nightmares from my younger days. Now it’s about strategy, leadership and coming-to-market. Last night's dream was different though. A woman that worked for me for almost a decade took my hand and told me it’s okay.

I’m not a dream analyst, but I think it’s time to let go.

What’s surprising about the dreams is that I’m not particularly distressed during my waking hours about my change in employment. It happened and my reaction was to explore the world then recreate my family’s life in a beautiful way. Extra time with my parents and our daughter back in my home state of New York confirms that goodness has taken root. My planning ahead, a supporting partner, and some early traction with my consulting business assuage the financial concerns. Leaving Fridays has actually been a great gift to my life, but the dreams persist and I expect it’s because my career achievements meant something to me. They’re a proof of life.

Several years back, I interviewed to lead the innovation team at a national brand significantly larger than where I worked. The manager asked me what made me most proud. I answered, “Professionally, I am most proud of building the career I have since I started with the company as a waiter. I was gifted with great opportunities every couple of years that challenged me and I met those challenges. It’s a testament to the company that I’ve progressed from asking a Guest if they want fries with their burger to leading the team that creates those burgers.” It’s been my elevator speech in many an interview that casts my leadership as grounded in humble beginnings met with amazing opportunities.

In that same interview, I continued beyond the professional to assess and elevate the personal. “I will say though that I’m most proud of my family.” It’s at this point that I surprised both myself and the hiring manager by choking up. “I’m sorry,” I said as tears well in my eyes and the words caught in my throat. “You see, I was raised with the idea that having a family wasn’t an option for me. Being gay meant something else back then and it was filled with shame. I now get to be a stepdad and even a step-granddad, which is amazing. I was freed from the old ideas and we’ve created something wonderful.” The tears and honesty were met with an uncomfortable silence, so the lack of an offer wasn’t surprising.

It’s from a distance that I can see that there is little distinction between these professional and personal accomplishments. They both show my humanity and it’s an emotional investment in my work that made me successful. It’s why I’m dreaming about a position whose time has passed so that only an idea remains. I don’t dream about the daily battles, the shifting sands of the industry, and the many others who have lost their jobs amidst consolidations and sales. The everyday realist I am falls asleep and an innocence takes hold. I always wake up surprised that I still haven’t let go, but last night someone took my hand.

“It’s time to go,” she might say.

“I know,” I would answer as she leads me to the door. The door closes behind me and I don’t remember if I looked back.